The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

A very practical and realistic approach to the discussion of how Christian marriage should be sought after. The book addressed a lot of questions I had and I found the discussion questions at the end of every chapter very helpful and introspective. As someone who is a follower of Christ, single, and willing to honor God in every aspect of life including marriage (if it happens) yet lack a solid guidance, the book walked me through like a friendly, caring father figure I much needed. I personally find Christian marriage and dating quite puzzling as I grew up under parents who had very contrasting view on religion- mom almost a fundamentalistic Christian, dad an atheist. There wasn't much of an order back home and whenever trouble happened it was always mom who always pulled the family together. After I became a Christian, I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me of many things and my brokenness and wounds from my parents' distant marriage was one area God wanted to heal and renew within me. I'm learning to trust God in this and the book served as a great addition to my knowledge of how to prepare for this big covenantal relationship. One of the best things about this book is, the author doesn't shy away from talking about real issues pertaining to this area, such as sex and sexual desires. He addresses real, predictable problems that can easily occur in a relationship, and offers plethora of questions we should consider asking ourselves and our future partners before entering into a sealed deal. Although the book is about Christian dating/marriage, I like the fact that it actually isn't entirely about marriage. The author takes a topic that can easily become all about itself, and does a great job in bringing it back to God and building His kingdom first. A solid book, highly recommended to anyone who is just as lost as me when it comes to honoring God with romantic relationships :)

When I first saw Gary Thomas' Book 'The Sacred Search' I sighed and thought, 'great, another over spiritualized book on dating and marriage--as if there are not enough of them already.' But knowing Thomas wrote a highly recommend book on Marriage (Sacred Marriage) I thought I would give it a try. Thomas captured me with the first chapter and he kept me fully engaged through out the book. What makes Thomas' book stand above the rest is his casual tone and brutal honesty. He is one of the first to present a very honest and clear picture of what dating and marriage entails. He even challenges the reader to think clearly about who they are before giving all of that up for someone else. It is a great book to read while single--so you can develop you thoughts about who you are and what you are honestly and realistically looking for in a mate--so you do not allow your thoughts to be swayed by your current relationship. Yet even if you find yourself in a relationship while reading this book Thomas includes discussion questions at the end of each chapter that would be great to honestly go over and discuss with your potential spouse. Finally Thomas won me over by discussing the ideas: marriage is about relational vision and that vision ought to be to seek first in all things the kingdom of heaven, that 'The One' does not exist, if you are still single and want to be married get off your butt and start dating because your spouse is not going to knock on your door some day and say 'I'm Here!', That just because you love someone does not mean that you should get married to them, and finally he was honest about sexual tension in a dating relationship and even admits that when a couple is about to get married and they are not struggling with sexual temptation that he fears for their marriage. He actually says at this point in the relationship you should have to use all the restraint you have to not have sex. He then concludes it is better to marry than to burn with passion. With these honest reflections and causal tone I cannot help but hold high respect for Thomas and what he accomplishes in this work. DO NOT GET MARRIED BEFORE READING THIS BOOK!

EXCELLENT resource for singles of any age, whether never-married, widows, widowers or divorced contemplating remarriage!! Gary Thomas' writing style makes this rich book easy to read and he often writes as though speaking to the reader in a friendly, personal way. It is full of very thoughtful and wise reflections and advice based on his years of experience working with people. The book is right on target, in my estimation, about what any Christian should consider when looking for a husband or wife for a solid, committed marriage. It confirmed many of my own thoughts. While Amazon Prime is fast, I downloaded this book and devoured it in a couple days. This should be in every pastor's office or church library. It would be a helpful resource for grief counselors as well, to recommend to those folks who have managed their way through grief after the death of a husband or wife and at the appropriate time feel ready to move on. If I could, I'd give this six stars!!

I have become something of a fan of Gary Thomas' writing after reading Sacred Marriage and now this. His writing style is highly enjoyable and straight-forward, which makes it easy to knock out his books in a day or two if you have the time. In this particular book Thomas makes very important, common-sense points about approaching the prospect in a level-headed, grace-filled, and God-focused manner. I would summarize his discussion as thinking through the purpose and goals of romantic relationships. It is nice because unlike other Christian books on this topic he acknowledges the great deal of diversity that goes into relationships between two people, and doesn't provide some cookie-cut, step-by-step approach to the matter, but rather encourages folks to openly and thoughtfully communicate with each other about key issues. Another key point that he emphasizes is the fact that marriage will define your life and ministry options, and that God gives us the freedom to choose this person with whom we will serve Him, or choose to be single. Thomas makes a good point of taking this option extremely seriously and cautions against "getting married for the sake of getting married." On the negative side, I would say that the most glaring problem is that the message of the book can become repetitive at times, and particularly near the middle (it improves in the last third). He's really just trying to hammer the fundamental principles in throughout the entire book, but it would have been better to have made that a little more subtle. It may just be the fact that younger folks (to which I feel it is directed) need a little more repetition to hammer things home. Second: Thomas does an excellent job of giving reasons WHY NOT to marry, but he doesn't give a very balanced corresponding set of reasons to get married. Admittedly, he wrote a whole book dealing with that topic in Sacred Marriage, but I think it would have lent something to give a little more positive feedback on the benefits of marriage when executed properly. That being said I still think it is an excellent book and I would encourage those reading this as their introduction to Gary Thomas to follow up with Sacred Marriage, which I hold to be a superior work. His approach to the whole topic is defined by levelheadedness and jettisoning the cookie-cutter mentality in popular Christianity.

As I say with any book of Gary Thomas', he's written the best book I've read on several subjects, including this one. I was enriched by "Sacred Search" at the absolutely perfect season. I was mostly revived from the heartbreak of losing my first marriage and wondering whether it was possible to blunder less the second time around. While this book seems directed to young folks coming to marriage the first time, it helped me understand the mechanics of my first marriage's failure and what really mattered in finding a better match the second time around. Let me emphasize how important this book is, even if you're already married. My first marriage involved two very good people who sincerely wanted to do what God wanted. It ended in total frustration, with one person out of the faith and the other involuntarily dismissed. Had we had this template for understanding ourselves and each other, I would like to think we could have negotiated our challenges with understanding and greater acceptance. When you read through this with someone with whom you're getting serious (each with their own copy to mark up), it facilitates the conversation. It will not let you leave the hard questions unasked. Don't be put off by the somewhat unromantic tone with which the book begins (the outgrowth of his extensive counseling with troubled couples.) "Sacred Search" is very rich and inspiring. So much good counsel beyond marriage, too. "It's not just about what we do for God; it's about who we become in God. When I keep relating to God, I literally become a different person, so there's always someone new for my wife to get to know. The same is true for me with her" (p.175). So much information about laying a foundation for a marriage that stays fresh and vital.

I used to do singles ministry and it was hard to find solid, biblical wisdom for singles on marriage. This book has lots of good information on what to look for in a relationship and it gives great insight on potential problem personalities and issues that could be detrimental in dating and eventually marriage. Too many singles jump into marriage with stars in their eyes which blind them to potential flags or warnings which they naively excuse away in the flush of new love. However, down the road these issues have the ability to destroy the marriage and bring great heartache and disappointment. Gary Thomas identifies many of these issues and brings lots of real life accounts into the narrative. It is a must read for any Christian single who is pursuing or involved in a relationship.

As a Minister to many single men, I have found this book invaluable. It answered many of the questions Christian men have about how they should go about choosing a girlfriend or wife using Biblical principles as a guide. It explores all the myths such as "Soul Mate" and "God's Choice". Identifying the reasons we cannot trust our feelings and emotions during the initial phase of the relationship. Laying out the biblical truths and reasoning that are to be used to make a choice that will last over decades not just in the moment of our passion. Challenging us to take in consideration the different styles of marriages and spirituality of the person we have chosen as our potential mate. This book also demands that we take a look at ourselves. The way we communicate and our general compatibility. The main thing I believe for christians is that it helps us not to compound any of the mistakes we have after we move into a relationship. To be open and honest with our potential mate about our past and to break off the connection if one sees that the principles of the association violate those set in principle with the bible. In truth, this book give a new way to go about making a life choice for a mate. It's transcendent approach to allow the phrase "Seek first the kingdom of God" to dominate our thinking, moves us from feelings to faith and trust in God's word of truth.

This book is a must read for anyone that is dating, engaged or even married. There are many things that I am not aware about marriage relationship that I learned in this book. Its like looking through many blind spots. I realized that popular media made me believe that 1) there is one specific person out there for me to marry 2) when it comes to marriage we should not think through our mind but feel it in our heart 3) when it comes to difficulties after marriage it is because he/she is not the right person for you so leave him/her and find the right one etc. But Gary cleared all those misconceptions very well. I realized how important it is to use our brain but not feeling or sentiment when it comes to choosing a life partner. His scientific analysis on why we do so is amazing and his practical steps and guidelines for many aspects of relationship are very helpful. I love how he created imaginary stereotypes of marriage and asked us to visualize how my relationship would be like one of these and if I would be happy with it. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO ANYONE. YOU WILL NOT REGRET.

I can definitely recommend it - i don’t necessarily share all that he says but he brings up a lot of good points to think about and evaluate before marrying / pursuing further the relationship you’re in right now. :)

Libro que se debe leer si o si antes de casarte o durante el noviazgo. Excelente material

Romantic relationships sweep you off your feet. But a godly marriage built on the Bible and Christ comes with a clear head of counting the costs to make sacrifices, therefore it is good to read this book as a single guy to get to know yourself and see the real perspective of what lies ahead in a marital relationship: conformity to Christ. Also review it when in a relationship with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

O solteiro cristão se depara com essa dúvida em algum momento da sua vida: com quem casar? Vou casar? Quando? Vai demorar? Essa é uma dúvida que consome qualquer cristão, principalmente pra quem beira os 30 como eu. Porque Deus não provê isso em nossa vida? Porque parece ser tão difícil se relacionar? Porque um namoro não deu certo? Porque o amor não é correspondido? As perguntas não acabam para or cristão que está comprometido com Cristo mas que deseja um relacionamento amoroso, ter família, filhos, é um desejo que a maioria tem. O livro trata de duas coisas interessantes. A primeira é que as vezes a igreja coloca, de forma bem intencionada (mas danosa as vezes), uma pressão sobre os jovens para que se casem, achem um parceiro/parceira, tenham família etc.... É quase como se fosse uma obrigação casar. Gary Thomas fala bem desse problema, pois nem todos nós desejamos casar, homens e mulheres de Cristo podem perfeitamente andar em verdade e justiça sem se casarem, sendo solteiros!!! Essa é uma opção válida que a igreja deveria dar a entender. Ser solteiro e cristão é ok. Casar é opcional e inclusive a Palavra fala disso. Segundo ponto é: não é com quem casar, mas porque? Porque você deseja se casar? Essa é a pergunta que você deve se fazer. A resposta tem que ser: pra glória do Senhor. O seu casamento precisa servir pra glória dEle. Mas como fazer isso? Agora é que vem a parte importante: a missão de ambas as partes deve ser compartilhada, que tanto a mulher quanto o homem, estejam casados para juntos servirem à obra. Essa missão deve ser conjunta. Um casamento só pode ter força se ambos compartilharem da mesma missão. Não adianta um querer fazer missão em algum outro continente enquanto o outro deseja apenas servir na igreja local. O propósito deve ser conjunto. Esse sim é o elemento principal do casamento, que o tornará abençoado e facilitará que ambas as partes sejam compreensivas e o convívio seja melhor. O livro não traz nenhuma formula mágica de como casar, mas fala do porque casar e como escolher a pessoa certa. O autor revela de forma Bíblica qual o propósito do casamento, que é o ponto de partida pra um relacionamento sadio e pra escolha da pessoa certa. Não existe mágica. É um processo de escolha de cada um, mas que deve ser ancorado no Senhor por meio de oração e sabedoria, deixando a "paixão momentânea" de lado, fato que compromete as relações de longo prazo. A Bíblia é bastante subjetiva no assunto, a única certeza que temos é de buscar as coisas no Senhor. Mas estamos sempre

This is an absolutely fabulous book. It is so refreshing to be reminded of the most important thing - in life and relationships. That call to seek first God above all else. Worth every penny of the book. How you choose your mate dramatically affects your marriage, and your future children's future. Don't settle for compromise in this area. If two people are not already seeking God first above all else in singleness, marriage isn't going to fix that. Pursue God faithfully all the days of your life for the beauty of who He is, not merely in an attempt to capture a spouse. Our churches, our homes and our society would be so much more effective if Christians didn't shy away from first applying these principles in their own lives, and then in their approach to relationships and marriage.