Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

As a child and family therapist, families come to me wanting to know why their kids meet the diagnostic criteria for Oppositional Defiant Disorder and how to "control" them. Parenting with Love and Logic helps parents to see that it is never about controlling or manipulating our kids and that we really cannot control anyone but ourselves. The book and the class provide parents with a different way of communicating with children that can bring about a change in the child's and the parent's negative, angry, and disruptive behaviors. It shows that if a parent approaches their role as a consultant to their child instead of micro-managing the child's every move (which worked when the child was an infant but needs to be gradually phased out as the child develops more and more independence from the parent), the child will feel more respected and competant and will not engage in a power struggle which often escalates into temper tantrums and very defiant behavior. Children need both limits and love and this book describes hands-on ways to provide both. This book has not only helped me as a therapist to help the families and children I treat, but it has also helped me as a parent myself. My husband and I began implementing the principles and techniques when our son was three. The use of choices and enforceable statements, along with the "uh-oh" song, made a significant difference in his behavior. He is now five years old and loves to think for himself. My husband and I obviously provide lots of supervision and are always available to him emotionally. The "uh-oh" song, besides providing a "time-out" consequence for our son has also had the incredible additional benefit of giving our son a technique to calm himself down from a tantrum. He will put himself in "bedroom recovery time" when he melts down! This blew my mind so I also taught him mindfulness meditation so that he could have "bedroom recovery time" anywhere, any time! It is really gratifying and enjoyable to be around a child who contributes so much to our family and our home, but yet has his own opinions and outlook on life and has his own interests that he can pursue on his own like reading, drawing, and playing with toys when his mom and dad need to get other chores done. He is genuinely fun to be around, at home and on vacation, and his teachers love having him in the classroom. I myself was raised in a highly dysfunctional and verbally abusive home. Even with our education, my husband and I still resorted to yelling and spanking. Parenting with Love and Logic provided us with much healthier alternatives. The whole idea of providing empathy but holding children accountable for their bad decisions helped me to not yell and get upset with my child. The only danger in following the advice of this book is that if a parent is personality-disordered or for some reason lacks empathy, these techniques will come off to the child as controlling, manipulative, and possible sadistic. The book, however, addresses this issue. As parents, we should always look at where we are at emotionally ourselves and if we need counseling in order to heal from our own hurts, we should avail ourselves of it so that we do not take it out on our kids. Also, I agree with the dog lovers. Never let a dog be neglected. I wouldn't even lay that kind of trip on a kid. If parents want a dog then the parents can get a dog, train the dog, feed the dog, etc. Don't get a dog expecting kids to take care of it.

So, you think children don't come with a manual, eh? Well here it is! Pass on Dobson and all the others. This is the only guide parents will need! I get it as my gift to bring for every baby shower that I go to, and for most new parents, and have been doing so for decades. This information never goes out of style. Cline & Fay teach parents to safely step back, stop hovering, and to let the child do the thinking. And to let the natural consequences of their actions (or inactions) do the teaching. And it works! Gone are the power struggles when the child gets to make so many choices... and has to live with their choices. I will never forget the time my son ran out of clean pants on a school day. I looked in the laundry basket, and there were no pants in it to be laundered (apparently they were all in his room, on the floor). "What will you do?" I put this information into action! My kids were concerned that they would oversleep, so they went to bed at a reasonable hour and set their own alarm clocks. They were worried that they wouldn't be ready when the bus arrived - or that they wouldn't be outside in time to catch the school bus. They were the ones who had to stop and think whether they were forgetting to take anything that was needed - and whether to wear a jacket or raincoat. They were concerned about their own good grades and homework, and they brushed their teeth like the dickens so they wouldn't get cavities. And nobody wanted B.O., so they cheerfully bathed daily!! We didn't argue or fight, and there was almost never a need for punishment of any kind again after putting these principles in play - and letting the kids know. When my oldest son began high school, his English teacher told us that all students were given the assignment to write about how they would parent their own children differently, or not, and to support their reasons. My son was the ONLY student to say that he would parent his own children the same way he had been raised, "with Love & Logic," and he made a great case for it. He saw how his friends' parents treated them, and he preferred the respect he got at home. When kids are little, the consequences of their actions may be that they are cold because they didn't want to wear a coat, or that they are hungry because they couldn't be bothered to come to dinner when called (we called everyone to the dinner table exactly once, then proceeded to eat with or without them), or they are sleepy all day if they stayed up too late the night before. But the little guys need a TON of practice in making these types of decisions so that they understand that every choice has a consequence, and so they get better at making good choices, over time. Because, the older they get, the more dire the consequences become. They had better be able to make a great evaluation by the time the choices involve drinking, drugs, driving, sex, etc. because YOU won't be there to make good choices for them. To this very day, both of my kids are responsible, self-reliant, and polite people. And we all had such a good time raising them!

I desperately needed new parenting tools. I needed something different than the tools my mom and dad gave me (especially with my ADHD child). These tools were: guilting, spanking, yelling, controlling with anger, time outs, wall sits, planks, etc. I knew I needed to change, but I didn't know how. 30 + years of operating under (as a kid) and with (as a mom of 5) a punishment approach to misbehavior had me stuck. So, I bought this CD set and began listening to it over and over while I folded laundry. Slowly, I have been able to change the way I think about my kids, my relationship with them, what I prioritize, and how I handle misbehavior. I haven't perfected this yet, but my family has benefited by leaps and bounds. Instead of steam rolling my kids, I am giving them choices. These choices set healthy boundaries in our home. When they mess up, I'm handling it with love and support while letting the consequences of their mistakes do the teaching. I am also learning to care for myself in healthier ways and to let the kids own their problems instead of taking them all upon myself. Because of this, my kids are learning to think for themselves. They have the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them now, while the price tag is small. They also see a calmer, kinder, supportive mom who is doing her best to help them grow into responsible happy adults. As with any true change, this isn't an overnight fix. You have to be in it for the long haul, be willing to change yourself and grow as a person. If you're like me, it will be very uncomfortable at first to jettison all the ways you are used to doing things in favor of processes that are less expedient (but WAY more effective in the long run). But if you want something that actually works in favor of the quick fix (and fail) 5 step processes, this is the book you need. Bonus: after a year of watching and listening to me go after this, my husband is now listening to it on his drives to and from work. We are a happier healthier family because of Love and Logic.

I gave this book 4 stars because a 3.5 wasn't an option and anything higher would mean I agreed with everything I read. As with most "self-help" books, you have to read with an open mind and take the good and trash the bad. This book in my opinion had a lot of both. I agreed with a lot of the opinions, lessons, and I learned many new ideas and ways to be a better parent. I decided to read it because I am a mom of 4 very bratty, entitled, and mouthy boys aging from 4-16. At the beginning of the book I was researching boot camps. Seriously. Now that I have read the book I can say I feel as though I have hope, a new outlook on parenting and know that I can do better at parenting, but I cannot say that I am a "Love & Logic Parent". Simply because there are things in this book I absolutely don't agree with. I understand the idea of giving your children more choices and can see the L&L reasoning behind said choices. But, as it also says in this book "if children were meant to run the home, they would have been born larger". Sometimes the point is children DON'T get a choice. To say that I should allow my children to throw tantrums and blatantly disrespect me "as long as they choose to do it in another room" is NOT ok with me. The other opposing fact that I'd like to mention is the book repeatedly mentions that by allowing our children to make their own choices will set them up to make the right choices when they are older. But the problem with that again is, sometimes there are no choices. When you're at a job and your boss tells you to do something, you don't get to respond by saying "alright, so what's my other choice"? You can't go into work in your pajamas because you simply made the choice not to get dressed that day. Simply put, yes, we as parents need to give our kids choices more often, choices that we could accept in either form, but there's other times that we get to use our God given right and TELL our kids what to do, when to do it and how to do it and their ONLY option is to do just that. So in ending, I can agree with this book as it is generalized and will use many of the skills I have learned to become a better parent to raising my young, but I don't think that I will be able to ever call myself a legit "Love & Logic Parent". Overall, the book is worth the read.

There are too many bad parenting books on the market. It seems everyone is an expert on raising children. But for those within the daily blessing of raising children, often these never-ending resources offer little assistance. As parents of an eight year old girl and a six year old boy, my wife and I are always looking for good parenting resources. Though, much on the market today is trite and faddist. A book that has gone through a few editions is typically more valuable than a recently published text. It has stood the test of time. Parenting with Love and Logic is helpful. Sometimes parenting books have endless resources for improvement, but can be difficult to execute. This book is clearly expressed and is easily executed. The book offers accessible skills that work in daily life. Love and Logic is written in two parts. The first part deals with the foundation for the style of parenting. The second part is a “how to” manual for various situations that a parent might face. The second part also gives advice on what to do concerning bedtime issues, homework problems, and even about pet care. In fact, there are 48 different topics of relevance. The book begins by describing present day parenting dilemmas. Parents are not having fun, and in fact are stressed out terribly in their role. The authors note two major ineffective parenting styles, which are the helicopter style and the drill-sergeant style. Instead of these approaches, the authors advocate the consultant style. This is defined as “they ask their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision making on their kids’ shoulders. They establish options within limits.” Essentially, parents allow the children to fail in order to succeed. Throughout the book, it is packed full of wisdom and advice. There are so many helpful sections. One section addresses the difference between praise and encouragement. Often a parent will praise a child for a good job, when actually the child did terrible. Instead, the parent should encourage the child to continue to strive for something better. Instead of creating a false sense of self-esteem, the authors note that self-esteem comes from accomplishment. This means that children will make mistakes and the adult should not bail them out. The natural consequence must remain. It is better for children to make mistakes during the safety of childhood rather than during the high stakes time of the teen age years. There is a great chapter on choices and relinquishing control so that the children learn to handle control. This means not making idle treats, or even threatening punishment, that cannot be enforced. You are mostly allowing the natural course to provide the lesson to the child. Of all the parenting books that I have read, this one is definitely in the top three. It is easy to execute, and the foundations of the method are strong. If you are like me, trying to do this parenting thing well, this is a valuable resource.

My aunt who is a retired teacher recommended this book to help us deal with our 5 year old daughter. My daughter is a very gifted child, but emotionally immature, and had constant tantrums. After reading some of the reviews, I was apprehensive about buying this book, but decided I had to try something different. This book has been wonderful. I don't understand if you use the book correctly how it is dangerous...people take things completely out of context. The book is about teaching your children to make good choices; obviously the choices have to be one's that your child is able to make. For my daughter when she had a tantrum I would say something like...oh ow...looks like someone is cranky, you can be cranky in your bedroom or you can be happy out here. If she continued her tantrum I say, would you like to walk to your room yourself, or would you like me to carry you. I always had to carry her kicking and screaming...anyway at first she would throw huge fits in her room opening and slamming the door, screaming at us. We just ignored it, after awhile the time she spent in her room got shorter and shorter, and much calmer. Now she almost never has tantrums, if she gets cranky I say oh ow, and sometimes she will just go sit in her room for a minute, collect herself and then come back out. The thing with this program is I never argue, I stay in a calm happy mood and she gets no reaction out of me, it is wonderful. Another example was wearing a jacket. My daughter would throw fits when she had to put on a coat, it was awful. One evening after dinner my husband was taking the kids for a walk, it was about 40 degrees she had on a dress with no tights, I began to tell her she needed a coat and socks to go, and she started her usual tantrum, and I decided to follow the book and let her not wear either. I told my husband to go around the block first, when they got to our house she ran in shivering, put on her coat, a hat, scarf and mittens by herself, and has worn them everyday since, without any problems. I know that some parents think this is outrageous letting my daughter be cold, I purposely did this before it is bitter cold, obviously you don't let your child go out in below 0 weather and let them get frost bite, the authors probably assume that people will use their brains. I did notice the newer versions do have a lot of disclaimers on what not to do...they must have read the reviews:).

HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!! INSTANT RESULTS!!! EASY!!! This book was assigned reading for our foster adoption class through our adoption agency. I just thought I'd skim through it to get the gist of it and be done with it. However, once I started reading it I thought I'd give it a try with my 6 year old daughter. I started using these techniques after the first chapter. I got instant results! IT WORKS!!! These techniques are so easy. They eliminate all anger and frustration parents have raising children. This book addresses all the challenges of raising children of all ages! I was truly amazed, so amazed I read the whole book and kept it as a reference. There is no need to buy another, this is the one that works. In response to the review by ES "librarian lady", I am an animal lover too. In my home my pets were here before my daughter. Therefore, I believe they are not her responsibility but she does help out quite often. However, the situation with the child neglecting the dog so the parent gives it away is not exactly what happened. The parent brings the dog to a friend's house claiming to have given the dog away. This technique did work. The child went to the friend's house, brought the dog back home, and cared for it. If you disagree with this particular strategy, don't do it. You can still use the techniques described in the book to resolve this type of dilemma. In fact, any type of dilemma, short of needing professional help, can be resolved using Love and Logic!

The love and logic principles comprise one of three or four pillars of wisdom that have guided my wife and me through 27 years, parenting four kids. Our youngest just graduated high school last month. (One of the other pillars has been James Dobson's original film series, Focus on the Family, which I watched and devoured just out of high school. That series had me wanting to be a grandfather--not quite yet--since I was 19.) My youngest son is a summer camp counselor, and I bought this as a gift for him, to begin equipping him for life. He agreed to read/listen to this book (I bought both the print book and the audio version) over the next few weeks, and he is practicing its concepts right now on his little minions. These ideas serve us, not just in parenting or in other relationships with kids, but in all relationships. The two key ideas are: (1) As much as possible, allow kids to take responsibility for their own choices, and then let the good or bad consequences be the teachers, so you don't have to be the bad guy. (2) When painful consequences result from a poor choice, show genuine empathy for the child's pain ("I'm so sorry that happened. I'll bet that was really disappointing"), so you come across as a compassionate ally, not an enemy. Of course, we parents can't leave all decisions to our children. That's why the love and logic system guides us to follow a V-shaped pattern over time, assuming more control over decisions early in the child's life, and gradually handing more and more control over to the child, as he/she is capable of learning from decisions. The opposite is the A-shaped pattern, giving the child free-rein from infancy, recognizing too late that he/she has become spoiled, and then trying to take too much control later in the teen years. That's a setup for serious rebellion (not always avoidable in any situation). (I may have gotten the A and the V reversed, with the width representing the amount of control you give the child. But you get the idea.) The book has a ton more. The front half (100 pp) teaches the concepts. The back more-than-half is dozens of chapters applying the principles to all kinds of parenting life situations. The franchise has cranked out many other excellent books, showing how the principles apply specifically to teens, for example. I attended a lecture once by Charles Faye about using love and logic with ADHD kids, and it was excellent. As I said, the wise will also see how to implement the same ideas in all kinds of relationships--in all family relationships (even marriage), in all work and professional relationships, with friends and neighbors, even with enemies (who are often simply thinking and feeling like children). The book is worth anything you pay for it. If you use it.

Muy buen libro, buenos tips y fácil de leer.

Very valuable knowledge for parents. You will save yourself a lot of energy and tantrums reading this. My oldest is 38 and was raised with these simple empathetic methods.

Ich habe dieses Buch für meine Diplomarbeit gekauft und nutze es in der Erziehung unserer Kinder. Es ist sehr praxisnah geschrieben und enthält viele Tips, die schnell umzusetzen sind. Vor allem geht es darum, Kindern Verantwortung beizubringen, indem man ihnen Konsequenzen ihres Handelns zumutet, sowie um eine wertschätzende Kommunikation. Wichtig:Alte Rezensionen beziehen sich auf die erste Auflage, in der körperliche Bestrafung vorkommt. In dieser Ausführung wird erläutert, warum man nicht körperlich bestrafen sollte. Das rechne ich den (übrigens christlichen)Autoren hoch an.

The book is concise, incisive and written with love. A must read for all thinking parents. Love tempered by logic wins the day, any day.

Good read for a parent