The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity – A Guide to Confronting Infidelity from the Bestselling Author of Mating in Captivity

What can I say, a book every person should read. I decided to read the book after watching numerous interviews of Ester. Her thought process, reasoning and advice are all so enticing. You just want to binch all her material. The way she brings complicated relational issues to us, and how she delve deeper is mind blowing. This book is no different, her words fly off the paper and her reasoning and conceptualization of each couples delimma is absolutely beautiful. The way how she doesn't judge your wrongs but understand she is there to listen, delve deeper and help one make sense of the why. I am in no way in a marriage of infidelity but I know ppl who had gone through it, who had done it to their partners, who are being judge for it, and of whom had lost partners and yet they have no closure of the "why". I was one of those who would simply just judge someone who committed infidelity and see the partner as the victim, never thinking even in this story their are two sides to the coin and if we take the time to delve deeper we too would realize often time there is no victim because both parties have a part in what transpired. And this is the reason why I wanted to learn more about why ppl go astray, why we wonder or long for something different at times and what to do when that happens. I realized we are all just imperct human being, cheating is not just the physical, it is the emotional. Some of us cheat in our minds and that is also something we need to talk over and deal with. I certainly have found myself in the mind cheating sphere and this book really help you dig deeper and finding answers. This book is not only for those who committed infidelity or who had been cheated on, it's for everyone because we are all capable of infidelity in one form or another. The sooner you learn about it, the better you'll be able to understand and be less judgmental to those even yourself committing it.

If you have had the awful experience of infidelity in a relationship, you need this book. I am only halfway through it, but have underlined so many passages. I wish I'd had it earlier. It has been years and sometimes I still struggle with this. Movies, books, songs, chats with friends - affairs and cheating comes up constantly. You don't notice until you have been through it. You cannot just forget what happened and never think about it again. What I like about this book is the non victim angle. Yes, someone has hurt you and betrayed you in a horrible way. But reading this book had a calming effect on me instead of bringing up all of those feelings again. I did cry a few times reading it, but it made me feel better, not worse. And I liked the chapter on jealousy and obsession over the other person. A lot of books don't cover that aspect which makes you feel like something is wrong with you for having these feelings. I also really like the author's casual way of writing. Some authors are too formal and clinical and this is such an emotionally charged subject. I'd rather hear someone be blunt and not talk to me like a doctor. If you are going through this terrible thing, read this book. Whether it's been weeks or years since the discovery.

I LOVE this book. I read Mating In Captivity years ago and waited eagerly for Perel's next book. I bought The State of Affairs three days ago and finished it today. Esther tackles this important subject with compassion and complexity. She does not profess easy answers or clear rules. Love and relationships are messy. There is no one right or wrong way. The State of Affairs asks us to accept that as fact before passing judgment. Since there is no adult who has not cheated, been cheated on and/or has loved someone who is dealing with/has dealt with infidelity, every adult should read this book! Marriage and monogamy have been around forever and so has infidelity. Whether we like it or not, infidelity is not an anomaly. Rather than pretend that it is, and put relationships that are dealing with it in a "special needs" corner, she confronts the subject in a nuanced, curious and compassionate way. She carries the torch for each and every person involved in the triangle of infidelity -- the cheater, the cheated upon, the lover. This book offers important perspectives not only to all of them but to all of the therapists, family members and friends that they all turn to for guidance and support. Why do people cheat? Who cheats? What is cheating? Can recovery happen? How can it happen? What does it look like? What happens on the other side of recovery? These are the big questions tackled in The State of Affairs. The State of Affairs will open minds, soften hearts, heal wounds, and potentially save relationships.

I read this book about 3 months after my husband confessed to cheating. In short, it has helped me begin to heal. She does NOT excuse cheating, but humanizes everyone involved and explores various facets of the situation from the standpoint of each individual. I actually re-read it about a month after my first reading and found it just as helpful the second time around. She delves into other aspects of the relationship that may have contributed to the choice to cheat- NO, she does not blame the person who was cheated on. She states plainly that the person who cheated made their own choice. I did not feel blamed OR that she was excusing the person who cheated. But, if you are trying to heal and/or wanting to try to make your relationship work, it is unhelpful to ignore everything that came before the affair. She assumes that if you want things to work with your partner you also want to improve your relationship overall- even if your relationship already felt happy and whole before the affair took center stage. That all said, this book will be more helpful for situations in which the person who had the affair is remorseful and/or wants to change, which is of course not always the case. As someone who has been cheated on, I whole heartedly recommend this book!

Just read it- everything from Esther is amazing, and maybe this book the most.

Spectacular book — an easy read. I truly couldn’t put it down. The topic is especially relevant if you’ve experienced betrayal. I also appreciated how this book opened my eyes to other things: events, behaviors, and different people’s perspectives. I would definitely recommend it.

There's a lot to love about this brave, bold, beautifully written and impeccably researched this book. It should be read by any one going through or recovering from an affair and by any one who is counseling a friend or loved one through the experience of infidelity--including other clinicians! I love how Esther brings a more nuanced, compassionate and less judgmental approach to this topic that is more commonly subject to vilification and endless judgment. It's very easy to blame and reflexively want to label who's right, who's wrong, who's good, who's bad, etc--but that often doesn't allow for much growth or greater understanding in a relationship which is a crucial path for maturing and expanding as a human being. Offering a refreshing, radically different perspective on love, desire, infidelity and more, The State of Affairs offers the means for many more people to become emotional grown ups. It's lovely to read how Esther brings her whole heart to this subject and her clients; it's the combination of her big heart and brilliant mind that makes this book super compelling and allows her to have such a dramatic impact on her clients. Thank you, Esther!

An excellent and essential read for anyone who cares about loving thoughtfully and deeply. As a colleague of Esther's, I have learned and been inspired by her since her first book, Mating Captivity in 2004. She has directly impacted my lifework as a Sex & Couples Therapist. This book is rich in insight born of Esther's many years in private practice, astute clinical skill and depth of understanding of people and the workings of couples in many cultures. She has helped me personally and professionally in this book by compassionately provoking my own inner life work, affirmed what I already understood as a clinician and enriched and enhanced my perspective in both arenas. I believe this book will be the new classic on the topic of infidelity for some time to come. Esther's aim is to open up conversations on modern love through the lens of infidelity. It certainly has and will continue to for me. Thank you Esther & Bravo! Leslie Gustafson, LMFT, CST & Co-Author of Amazing Intimacy

This is the most insightful book, ever, about affairs and how we can heal from them. It offers excellent strategies but it also offers much needed explanations of the human psyche.

Bonito diseño

This book written by a psychotherapist and counsellor who has worked with couples will be of interest to anyone interested in relationships. It is also well written with an good narrative flow. At the beginning of the book Esther Peel looks at the conventional wisdom on partnerships and marriages and fidelity in them. She points out that in Western society there are strong views that partners in these are expected to stay loyal to each other, with out straying elsewhere for intimacy and sex. She does not appear to have problems with this per se, but points out there are many divergences form this path. It is human nature to transgress boundaries, even if this is painful. What follows are a large number of accounts of cases she has encountered. This includes infidelity in conventional marriages, both homo- and hetro- sexual partnerships, open relationships (where issues of infidelity can crop up despite there being a permission to find additional partnerships) as well as ones that insist on monogamy. She looks also at issues of betrayal, the pain of discovery of an affair, how some affairs may save people from bad partnerships and also how that affairs may sometimes (paradoxically?) even save and strengthen relationships. Perel also looks at the various kind of people involved, apparently settled people, those who prefer to have affairs rather than stay in a single one. All in all the range of people discussed here is wide. Perel's aim is not to discredit monogamy, but to suggest what is needed is a little more space for people in their situations to work through. At one point in the narrative she ponders on the general state of knowledge around human sexuality. As she states it is limited. This book contributes to expanding that space a little more. An enlightening read.

This book helped me understand both sides of the coin. It is written outstandingly, without any judgment and really opening a conversation about the taboo that affairs are. I can only recommend it to couples, also if you're not going through something like this, you still can take a lot from it.

Livro muito bem escrito, delicado, inteligente. Recomendo!